Ramblings of an Old Kweer

Disaster struck last night. Water tank burst. No poweer; trying desperately to find somewhere for the cats so I don't lose them. Nephew is letting me recharge the laptop so I can at least try and keep in touch, but I don't think I'll be getting my=uch help from the family. It's clear I need a regular carer; can't pretend I can look after myse;f anymore 😞

kerk

Two days before I potentially lose my money again and my autistic brain has gone into overdrive. All I seem to do is either sleep, or stay permanently in that "I'll wake up in a moment" state, or endlessly collate hours of data and material I never have time to use because all I do is save it.

I'm fucked.

I should be getting up and dealing with this crap, but I'mlike a human ostrich with my head buried and my ass in the air pretending none of it is happening.

I. Am. Fucked.


kerk

(AM)
Finally managed to take the first step today; though I did feel close to collapsing in on myself a couple of times at the CAB outreach. Fuzzy and weak in the legs; six hours later and I'm finally able to start focussing properly again.

(PM
Got home a little while ago; fed the cats. Still feeling a bit fuzzy around the edges, though I had a couple of chocolate bars and tea (Earl Grey; Hot ;-) ); an energy drink and a toastie. Not sure who, or what, agency is supposed to refer me to mental health services at the moment, which is a concern, but I will be contacting a group in Perth that helps people with asperger's /on the autism spectrum.

Should feel like progress, but I'm still not handling the whole thing very well, and the fuzziness is a worry.

kerk

More than three hours to force myself out of the door; get to the council office to be told Welfare Rights is telephone only which, after some babbling on my part at the thought of having to deal with someone by myself over the phone, has me back out the door in under two minutes.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

 
    Reading some of my early posts from my first lj, which I can no longer properly access, brought back a lot of stuff that nearly had me in tears on the bus journey back from Perth today. Found the poem I would have liked to post but, frankly it would have taken too long to type out tonight, and I managed to find one that follows, for me, a similar theme. 

 

  Love Letter by Carole E. Gregory

 

   Dear Samson,

   I put your hair

   in a jar

   by the pear tree

   near the well.

   I been thinkin'

   over what I done

   and I still don't think

   God gave you

   all that strength

   for you to kill

   my people.

 

   Love – Delilah

 

 

Goddess preserve 

Kerk 

  Got the laptop back, but as things stand I have lost everything I had saved. 

  Vids are the most painful right now, as there a great many I know are no longer on You Tube; the ones I had transferred to my hard drive just prior to the crash; for safe-keeping *pause for ironic contemplation* are the hardest to take. 

  It's the stories I was working on and the ones I had saved, which may or may not still be there,; still can't figure out how to use the wayback machine (all I seem to be able to get are page links that don't actually go anywhere; which why bother saving them?), the loss of which hasn't hit me yet. 

 It's the feeling nothing that bothers me, or should. I'm not feeling anything. It feels as if I don't care, which is obviously a fallacy or I wouldn't be posting about it. 

 kerk

  It's the little things that break you. 
  And I feel broken. 
  Not feeling like I want to put this worthless bag of shit back together again. 
  Enough already. 

  

  Laptop crashed and, thus far, they have been unable to recover anything. 

  All my stories. 
  All the videos I knew I wanted to keep; including all the Star Trek I had only the previous evening begun transferring to my hard drive, all my photos, and all my stories, and all the files I had saved from my older laptop; which I am on now, with a cobbled together set up. 

  At this moment I really don't know whether it's worth carrying on. 

  I was finally feeling as if, despite everything, I was getting somewhere wiht organising my chaotic online life, and now everything I felt was important, and wortyh saving; so far, may now be lost. 

 It feels like there's no point. 

 I think I may just quit. 

 The thought of having to go back to the beginning and doing all that again is just too exhausting. 

 I can hardly be bothered with doing more than is absolutely necessary to keep myself goimg so I can take care of the cats. 

 I hate my life; I hate myself, and I look around me and all I can see is miserably hateful; disgusting and evil peopl triumphing everywhere. 

 I think I may just fucking quit. 

 kerk

 
  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-38835961

  Thank you, Desmond Carrington for introducing me to this version of this song. He said it in his polite gentlemanly manner but, when she was told that a woman could never effectively deliver this song, she flipped them off by producing this.

  And blowing every other version out of the water.

  I've been missing your show for weeks; just wish I'd had the means to record at least your final show. 

  I've been dreading this news since he chose to retire his show.

  R.I.P. You never failed to brighten my life.

   

 
   It has taken me a while to decide on this post, as I wished to combine the musical choice with some news about my name change; also some musings on my identity generally . 

  Back in August, after many months of searching I finally came up with what I hoped to be my new name to be; announced in this post https://kerkevik-2014.dreamwidth.org/74645.html 

  A few days ago I finally managed to re-connect with the originator of the name TehKek; satisfying myself that I could indeed go ahead with using her online name as one of my new ones (now, of course, I have to discover the processes, and seek competent assistance for same, of changing my name to the new one; which WILL be Kerkevik TehKek Hiraeth. 

 I shall be mostly using the shortened version, which most people use, Kerk; also answering to Ray, where people in RL will no doubt continue to find that more readily memorable. I also need to practice on pronouncing my surname correctly - the top one here is the one closest to one I heard on a programme about the Aberfan disaster; used by a survivor in the programme. Steffan sound more gloomy, and less melancholic, than her pronunciation, but his is the closest to hers i Have found to be readily available https://forvo.com/word/hiraeth/ 

 I'm getting closer, but it still feels not quite right to my ears; hearing her voice as a guide. 

 Also, I have come to realise in recent weeks that while I'm kinda stuck with being male; for reasons of not wanting to hurt the feelings of Trans folk generally, I shall not going into too much depth as to why; when I was a teen, I never pursued a desire to be female. 

 Not a woman; female. Big difference to me, but it means that I also don;t feel able to consider myself Trans either, In fact, I still rather like a word for myself that the Trans community at large seems to consider offensive. I find this a pity, as Tranny has always felt such a descriptively happy word to me; so much more descriptive of me as well. However, it's not one I'll be using for myself too often as Queer pretty much describes every form of identity I need for my own peace of mind. 

 Now to the song, When I Was a Boy by Dar Williams; who will be providing at least one more song for this meme, when it was supposed to be only two. This song seems to be the most appropriate for this combined post anyway. 

 It has the added advantage, in terms of this performance, of being the first time I will have heard it; together with the first time I have officially announced a couple of things in this post. 

 As I said, appropriate. 

 


 Goddess preserve us all in these dark times, 

 

 Kerk(evik) TehKek Hiraeth