kerkevik_2014: (Default)
Two days before I potentially lose my money again and my autistic brain has gone into overdrive. All I seem to do is either sleep, or stay permanently in that "I'll wake up in a moment" state, or endlessly collate hours of data and material I never have time to use because all I do is save it.

I'm fucked.

I should be getting up and dealing with this crap, but I'mlike a human ostrich with my head buried and my ass in the air pretending none of it is happening.

I. Am. Fucked.


kerk
kerkevik_2014: (Capable catches Nux's Soul)
Finally got a referral to mental health services through, but I have to call so I might need to check in at my sister's to see if I can use their phone. Paid my rent arrears, which crossed with the usual threatening letter from the council even though I said I'd be paying when my pension came through.
Most worrying is that, even though my pension came early because of the bank holidays, the ESA did not. Met soneone in Dundee who'd not received theirs either so I don;t know what to think.
All I can do right now is plan on what I have left having to last a good long while. Had to order a new card as the Nationwide seemed to think someone may have tried to gain access to my account. If they did they didn't get anything.
Need to sort out Independent Advocacy etc now things are moving, but it's hard not to just give up.

kerk
kerkevik_2014: (Default)
(AM)
Finally managed to take the first step today; though I did feel close to collapsing in on myself a couple of times at the CAB outreach. Fuzzy and weak in the legs; six hours later and I'm finally able to start focussing properly again.

(PM
Got home a little while ago; fed the cats. Still feeling a bit fuzzy around the edges, though I had a couple of chocolate bars and tea (Earl Grey; Hot ;-) ); an energy drink and a toastie. Not sure who, or what, agency is supposed to refer me to mental health services at the moment, which is a concern, but I will be contacting a group in Perth that helps people with asperger's /on the autism spectrum.

Should feel like progress, but I'm still not handling the whole thing very well, and the fuzziness is a worry.

kerk
kerkevik_2014: (Default)
Is anyone saving open_on_sunday from lj?

Managed to find my favourite Doyle_sb4 fics, but that's another journal likely to disappear as she hasn't posted for seven years.

Lib Dems are nowhere near strong enough to challenge anyone. Labour are toast, but watch all those Tories masking as their MPs lickspittle their way behind Corbyn. The SNP are going to lose ground to the Tories in May and in June.

Fucking shits are going to get a bloody landslide.

So depressed.
kerkevik_2014: (Default)
More than three hours to force myself out of the door; get to the council office to be told Welfare Rights is telephone only which, after some babbling on my part at the thought of having to deal with someone by myself over the phone, has me back out the door in under two minutes.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
kerkevik_2014: (Default)
 
   It's hard to find the words to describe the sense of grief that is creeping over me; from reading some of the comments in my earliest posts by people who've gone in real life (R.I.P. [livejournal.com profile] woman_of_ ) to comments obviously deleted their lj's in the past couple of days; comments lost now so that I only have my half of the conversation left. I feel real loss most when the comments are about fics or in response to a birthday wish, or some personal post. 

   I can't believe that I can feel that much pain about something that often seems so ephemeral, but I feel like I'm torturing myself; wondering whether it's worth saving anything. I mean all that wondrous material lost when the willtara yahoo group disappeared; all those wonderful early fan sites gone. 

  It feels so pointless, yet I cannot stop because Right Now? It feels like all that's keeping me going. 

  I cannot even find the desire to write. I want to. I still need to. I am writing. But I always stop at some point, and it seems like I know I'm not going to finish it. 

  So why I posted this... 


   GRIEF
   BY ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING 
  I tell you, hopeless grief is passionless; 
  That only men incredulous of despair, 
  Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air 
  Beat upward to God’s throne in loud access 
  Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness, 
  In souls as countries, lieth silent-bare 
  Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare 
  Of the absolute heavens. Deep-hearted man, express 
  Grief for thy dead in silence like to death— 
  Most like a monumental statue set 
  In everlasting watch and moveless woe 
  Till itself crumble to the dust beneath. 
  Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet: 
  If it could weep, it could arise and go. 
  

  

  Goddess preserve, 

  

  Kerk Hiraeth 


kerkevik_2014: (Default)
 
    Reading some of my early posts from my first lj, which I can no longer properly access, brought back a lot of stuff that nearly had me in tears on the bus journey back from Perth today. Found the poem I would have liked to post but, frankly it would have taken too long to type out tonight, and I managed to find one that follows, for me, a similar theme. 

 

  Love Letter by Carole E. Gregory

 

   Dear Samson,

   I put your hair

   in a jar

   by the pear tree

   near the well.

   I been thinkin'

   over what I done

   and I still don't think

   God gave you

   all that strength

   for you to kill

   my people.

 

   Love – Delilah

 

 


Goddess preserve 

Kerk 

kerkevik_2014: (Default)
 
   Coming to a decision that the time is very close when another fandom chapter is about to close. 

   However perspective. 

   It's really only a social media platform, and what will keep me there for longer than it should is trying to preserve memories while I can. 

   This poem is from a book called The Nation's Favourite Poems of Remembrance; published in 2003, the year after I moved from Devon in England, to Perthshire in Scotland. 


  www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/57253


  Everyone Sang

Related Poem Content Details

 Everyone suddenly burst out singing;
 And I was filled with such delight
 As prisoned birds must find in freedom,
 Winging wildly across the white
 Orchards and dark-green fields; on - on - and out of sight.
 
 Everyone's voice was suddenly lifted;
 And beauty came like the setting sun:
 My heart was shaken with tears; and horror
 Drifted away ... O, but Everyone
 Was a bird; and the song was wordless; the singing will never be done.
   Goddess preserve, 

   

   Kerk Hiraeth 


kerkevik_2014: (Default)
  Got the laptop back, but as things stand I have lost everything I had saved. 

  Vids are the most painful right now, as there a great many I know are no longer on You Tube; the ones I had transferred to my hard drive just prior to the crash; for safe-keeping *pause for ironic contemplation* are the hardest to take. 

  It's the stories I was working on and the ones I had saved, which may or may not still be there,; still can't figure out how to use the wayback machine (all I seem to be able to get are page links that don't actually go anywhere; which why bother saving them?), the loss of which hasn't hit me yet. 

 It's the feeling nothing that bothers me, or should. I'm not feeling anything. It feels as if I don't care, which is obviously a fallacy or I wouldn't be posting about it. 

 kerk
kerkevik_2014: (I'm Sad)
 Got a borrowed laptop, but cannot find the password to get me back on my email which, when I get the laptop back I will need whatever has been recovered. 

 Cobbled together set up died Saturday night with that laptop. Somehow managed to get through the last couple of days without even any music to find solace in. Dreamwdith & livejournal I can change the passwords for without my email account; others? don't know. 

 Without my cats... 

 kerk
kerkevik_2014: (Default)
  It's the little things that break you. 
  And I feel broken. 
  Not feeling like I want to put this worthless bag of shit back together again. 
  Enough already. 

  

Cold

Mar. 18th, 2017 01:39 pm
kerkevik_2014: (Default)

 

I feel cold.

I usually like the cold.

But I feel so cold.

 

kerkevik_2014: (Default)
  Laptop crashed and, thus far, they have been unable to recover anything. 

  All my stories. 
  All the videos I knew I wanted to keep; including all the Star Trek I had only the previous evening begun transferring to my hard drive, all my photos, and all my stories, and all the files I had saved from my older laptop; which I am on now, with a cobbled together set up. 

  At this moment I really don't know whether it's worth carrying on. 

  I was finally feeling as if, despite everything, I was getting somewhere wiht organising my chaotic online life, and now everything I felt was important, and wortyh saving; so far, may now be lost. 

 It feels like there's no point. 

 I think I may just quit. 

 The thought of having to go back to the beginning and doing all that again is just too exhausting. 

 I can hardly be bothered with doing more than is absolutely necessary to keep myself goimg so I can take care of the cats. 

 I hate my life; I hate myself, and I look around me and all I can see is miserably hateful; disgusting and evil peopl triumphing everywhere. 

 I think I may just fucking quit. 

 kerk

kerkevik_2014: (Default)

Had a horrible experience this afternoon; frightening how easy it is to feel your walls crumbling down around you; to start feeling like you're worth less than something scrape off your shows. Was crying most of them way home, repeating "Stupid!" 






 

kerkevik_2014: (Default)
 
  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-38835961

  Thank you, Desmond Carrington for introducing me to this version of this song. He said it in his polite gentlemanly manner but, when she was told that a woman could never effectively deliver this song, she flipped them off by producing this.

  And blowing every other version out of the water.

  I've been missing your show for weeks; just wish I'd had the means to record at least your final show. 

  I've been dreading this news since he chose to retire his show.

  R.I.P. You never failed to brighten my life.

  Goodbye old friend. 



   







kerkevik_2014: (Default)
   Literally just come from my first proper hot meal since before xmas. I'd heard of this hot meal thing and I think I might try it again :-)

On the bus to Dundee now; got a weekly ticket so I hope to do some travelling around Tayside this week, and do some writing while I'm on the buses.

Cats are all stocked up; except for another big bag of cat litter until pretty much the end of next week, and I hope to make it down to Stirling at the weekend to catch a Glasgow City friendly at the Uni.

I want to start creating accounts under what will be my new name eventually. Feeling stressed and fuzzy beyond belief considering how energised I still feel from the Women's march the other Saturday. Disappointed I couldn;t make the protest last night; how did it go? Was anyone there?

Hoping this positivity lasts long enough to actually get some things done. we shall see.

Goddess watch over us in these troubled times,


kerk hiraeth

(OK, forget the literally; mobile internet keeps disconnecting so I've no idea when I'll get to actually press post)


kerkevik_2014: (Default)
 
   It has taken me a while to decide on this post, as I wished to combine the musical choice with some news about my name change; also some musings on my identity generally . 

  Back in August, after many months of searching I finally came up with what I hoped to be my new name to be; announced in this post https://kerkevik-2014.dreamwidth.org/74645.html 

  A few days ago I finally managed to re-connect with the originator of the name TehKek; satisfying myself that I could indeed go ahead with using her online name as one of my new ones (now, of course, I have to discover the processes, and seek competent assistance for same, of changing my name to the new one; which WILL be Kerkevik TehKek Hiraeth. 

 I shall be mostly using the shortened version, which most people use, Kerk; also answering to Ray, where people in RL will no doubt continue to find that more readily memorable. I also need to practice on pronouncing my surname correctly - the top one here is the one closest to one I heard on a programme about the Aberfan disaster; used by a survivor in the programme. Steffan sound more gloomy, and less melancholic, than her pronunciation, but his is the closest to hers i Have found to be readily available https://forvo.com/word/hiraeth/ 

 I'm getting closer, but it still feels not quite right to my ears; hearing her voice as a guide. 

 Also, I have come to realise in recent weeks that while I'm kinda stuck with being male; for reasons of not wanting to hurt the feelings of Trans folk generally, I shall not going into too much depth as to why; when I was a teen, I never pursued a desire to be female. 

 Not a woman; female. Big difference to me, but it means that I also don;t feel able to consider myself Trans either, In fact, I still rather like a word for myself that the Trans community at large seems to consider offensive. I find this a pity, as Tranny has always felt such a descriptively happy word to me; so much more descriptive of me as well. However, it's not one I'll be using for myself too often as Queer pretty much describes every form of identity I need for my own peace of mind. 

 Now to the song, When I Was a Boy by Dar Williams; who will be providing at least one more song for this meme, when it was supposed to be only two. This song seems to be the most appropriate for this combined post anyway. 

 It has the added advantage, in terms of this performance, of being the first time I will have heard it; together with the first time I have officially announced a couple of things in this post. 

 As I said, appropriate. 

 



 Goddess preserve us all in these dark times, 

 

 Kerk(evik) TehKek Hiraeth 


kerkevik_2014: (Default)
 
  Got this from [livejournal.com profile] angelus2hot back on the 13th August. Life has been so topsy-turvy and stressed out that I never did get around to responding properly, but thanks so much to whoever nominated me. 

  Not sure I'll ever know how to handle people being nice to me; not a huge part of my life experience growing up. 

  But thank you whoever you are. 

~~~

   Congratulations! 


You have been nominated at No Rest For The Wicked Awards in the following categories: 


Title: Comforting Contemplations 
Fandom/Pairing: BtVS 
Word Count: 500 
URL: http://kerkevik-2014.livejournal.com/124814.html 
Categories: Heart Of Gold 


Your nomination will be added to the Nominee list on the next update(Monday) 

http://wicked-awards.livejournal.com/47258.html 

If you'd like to decline this nomination or any/all future nominations please let me know. 


rules/categories/buttons can be found here: http://community.livejournal.com/wicked_awards/profile 


Once again congratulations, 
angelus2hot 

make an author/artist's day nominate today! 


 ~~~ 

 Now I need to go find out where things stand vis-a-vis the awards and who I should have been 'feuding' with for the past month :-) 

 Time to stop and pause and build this new life with my new name. 



  Goddess watch over us all, 

  

  Kerk(evik) TehKek Hiraeth 

kerkevik_2014: (Default)
 
   I'm at about seventy seconds; just after the bus. 

   

   



   Goddess watch over us all, 

   

   Kerk(evik) TehKek Hiraeth 



kerkevik_2014: (Default)

I hope you are all safe.

Not my cat, but myself and mine will be waiting for news. 



kerk

Profile

kerkevik_2014: (Default)
kerkevik_2014

May 2017

S M T W T F S
 123456
78910111213
1415 1617181920
21222324252627
28293031   

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 25th, 2017 10:50 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios